The little spark
I'm rotten inside. I'm rotten right where i used to feel that warm thing when i liked something. I'm so rotten dear.
And i feel so used... I feel that i used all that was good in me and there is nothing left to give you. My feelings are so used that i feel them like and old cloth... An old cloth that was eaten by moths and the dust is inside it's fibers and if you barely move it, or even breathe near it it might turn to dust and dissolve into thin air.
I've used all that i had... I gave it once to someone... I wanted that person to be the one and only. And all that i received was nothing... A kind of nothing that hurt. It was that kind of nothing that was sprinkled with mean and hateful words. That stung every piece of my being, and the fact that i was so caught in it made it worse. I allowed those words and actions to scratch my very own core. Lost myself in the sweet and fading promise that if i can stand those things... It might turn the other way, it might turn to something at least nice, it might become the thing that i have always wished for.
I was so lost in my own hopes that i never realized how much the whole thing wrecked my own soul. That all the hope turned against me and inserted it's own fangs in my soul and stayed that way until i couldn't say even stop.
Anytime i think of the that only time i truly gave it all, a darkness surrounds my heart and walls begin to rise. Since then i have wondered inside a forest of superficial feelings and hopes, that rise as fast as they fell apart. All that is left is a little light. A small and little warm feeling, that slowly begins to turn to what it once was. And each and every time that little warmth feels that is in peril a wall of thorns, spades and wires begin to rise and reject anything that might disturb it...or might make me want to share it again.
I'd like to give it again like i used to... Trust me, i truly want to share it with someone. But not anyone. I'd like to give it to someone that wants it. And wants it only for himself.
I can be strong, i can be weak, i can be anything, but i can't give it... I simply can't.
But that warmth, that pure and sincere warmth i can't give it. And this thing, my dear, makes me feel that i'm not truly myself near anyone. So i turn into a liar, into a two faced person. To protect my own core... I, myself, my very own self, end up hurting myself.
So, until i find another person worthy of that warm feeling, i made a promise with it... I promised it that i won't share it. I promised it that i'll only let it shine sometimes and then...maybe the slightest sparkle from behind those walls might be seen by someone that wants it, and has the power and the sincerity to torn those walls down to see it clear, to see the real me...
But, until then, i must hide and protect it. Otherwise i'll end up in a place worse that i am now.
Until then, i'll wonder through non-meaningful flickers of hope. And, so the truth may be spoken, sometimes, i feel that someone might be the one i'm looking for... And that warm feeling betrays me, and makes a path to himself, the only problem is that no one sees it. And it gets hurt again... by the blindness of others...
The path i talked about makes me vulnerable and hopeful, and i end trying to give my all again. The problem is... i tired to give it so many times, so that i can find my own peace, that i want to say my one and only so bad... But i can't find the pith in me to say it. I truly want to say it... damn it, i want to scream it... The only thing that is missing is the one to scream it for.
And here we are, me that fells rotten and all used up, with nothing else to give but what's left(sorry for not that much), and you. You, my dear, that you have a chance...
A chance that i had not given, and nor that warm feeling gave you. You, that opened yourself that wall a little... You, that made the thorns appear smaller, the spades duller and those wires less tangled...
And what truly annoys me is that... now you just sit there and simply look at me and expect. Expect my move... Expect my opening to you...
But i can't, i can't make the next move... because i simply did it once before, and ended up with nothing.
So, dear, i ask you only this... you make the move... you make that first step, and maybe a few others. Because i don't want to make the same mistakes and i don't want to end up hurting the both of us. Because this time i can, this time... this fucking time i'll give what you give and nothing more.
I simply don't want to walk the path i had taken a few steps into. The path that i truly hate and despise.
I know i'm mean and it's not my call here... But if you want that feeling from me, if you truly want the real me, just... help me this time. All that i have left pure and untouched is my loyalty. And that...
That is all that is left of me and i can truly give.
And i feel so used... I feel that i used all that was good in me and there is nothing left to give you. My feelings are so used that i feel them like and old cloth... An old cloth that was eaten by moths and the dust is inside it's fibers and if you barely move it, or even breathe near it it might turn to dust and dissolve into thin air.
I've used all that i had... I gave it once to someone... I wanted that person to be the one and only. And all that i received was nothing... A kind of nothing that hurt. It was that kind of nothing that was sprinkled with mean and hateful words. That stung every piece of my being, and the fact that i was so caught in it made it worse. I allowed those words and actions to scratch my very own core. Lost myself in the sweet and fading promise that if i can stand those things... It might turn the other way, it might turn to something at least nice, it might become the thing that i have always wished for.
I was so lost in my own hopes that i never realized how much the whole thing wrecked my own soul. That all the hope turned against me and inserted it's own fangs in my soul and stayed that way until i couldn't say even stop.
Anytime i think of the that only time i truly gave it all, a darkness surrounds my heart and walls begin to rise. Since then i have wondered inside a forest of superficial feelings and hopes, that rise as fast as they fell apart. All that is left is a little light. A small and little warm feeling, that slowly begins to turn to what it once was. And each and every time that little warmth feels that is in peril a wall of thorns, spades and wires begin to rise and reject anything that might disturb it...or might make me want to share it again.
I'd like to give it again like i used to... Trust me, i truly want to share it with someone. But not anyone. I'd like to give it to someone that wants it. And wants it only for himself.
I can be strong, i can be weak, i can be anything, but i can't give it... I simply can't.
But that warmth, that pure and sincere warmth i can't give it. And this thing, my dear, makes me feel that i'm not truly myself near anyone. So i turn into a liar, into a two faced person. To protect my own core... I, myself, my very own self, end up hurting myself.
So, until i find another person worthy of that warm feeling, i made a promise with it... I promised it that i won't share it. I promised it that i'll only let it shine sometimes and then...maybe the slightest sparkle from behind those walls might be seen by someone that wants it, and has the power and the sincerity to torn those walls down to see it clear, to see the real me...
But, until then, i must hide and protect it. Otherwise i'll end up in a place worse that i am now.
Until then, i'll wonder through non-meaningful flickers of hope. And, so the truth may be spoken, sometimes, i feel that someone might be the one i'm looking for... And that warm feeling betrays me, and makes a path to himself, the only problem is that no one sees it. And it gets hurt again... by the blindness of others...
The path i talked about makes me vulnerable and hopeful, and i end trying to give my all again. The problem is... i tired to give it so many times, so that i can find my own peace, that i want to say my one and only so bad... But i can't find the pith in me to say it. I truly want to say it... damn it, i want to scream it... The only thing that is missing is the one to scream it for.
And here we are, me that fells rotten and all used up, with nothing else to give but what's left(sorry for not that much), and you. You, my dear, that you have a chance...
A chance that i had not given, and nor that warm feeling gave you. You, that opened yourself that wall a little... You, that made the thorns appear smaller, the spades duller and those wires less tangled...
And what truly annoys me is that... now you just sit there and simply look at me and expect. Expect my move... Expect my opening to you...
But i can't, i can't make the next move... because i simply did it once before, and ended up with nothing.
So, dear, i ask you only this... you make the move... you make that first step, and maybe a few others. Because i don't want to make the same mistakes and i don't want to end up hurting the both of us. Because this time i can, this time... this fucking time i'll give what you give and nothing more.
I simply don't want to walk the path i had taken a few steps into. The path that i truly hate and despise.
I know i'm mean and it's not my call here... But if you want that feeling from me, if you truly want the real me, just... help me this time. All that i have left pure and untouched is my loyalty. And that...
That is all that is left of me and i can truly give.
Comentarii
Trimiteți un comentariu